A few Sunday's ago as I was driving to or from the Instacare (my home away from home) there was a program on my beloved KSL about marriage. The "expert" was saying how he is always counseling guys to be creative and fun in their marriage. The guys always complain that it is impossible because they just aren't creative people.
The expert then said how we are all fun and creative during courtship, otherwise we'd still be single. At the time I thought the guy was just spouting platitudes and was mildly annoyed that people get paid to observe the obvious. Well tonight as the milk cup hit the floor for the 5th time at Red Lobster and Cordon dumped the last Nutrasweet packet onto the table I realized how true it is.
So yeah it is obvious and we all know it and we're all too lazy/tired to do it but practically every marriage could be improved if we had the same gusto now as we did when we were so funny/creative/smart/quirky or whatever other adjective we tried to portray ourselves as during those wonderful courtship months. I'll bet everyone out there (except 8 month pregnant Katie who swears otherwise) would suddenly have newfound energy that at the present point they claim not to have, if suddenly they were back courting that special someone.
So what is the point of all this.....nothing really. I read other blogs and read people's pontifications on random subjects and I thought I'd join the fray. Since our readership at this point is pretty minimal no one really cares. I thought I'd just ramble a bit.
There are those out there that I admire. Maybe it is all a facade (did you know that I thought facade was "fackade" until well into my college years and that there was another word out there pronounced fasad that had a similar meaning as the "fackade" I was always reading about in books...go figure) but as I read blogs and see people in action I am inspired, if only briefly until my natural laziness kicks in, by their continual courtship. Something I definitely long for and strive for. So for those of you keeping the courtship alive in your marriage my hat is off to you and I look up to you. My seminary teacher once told me that in the afterlife when we are all standing around admiring each other's white jumpsuits and dresses that someone will say there is a person who kept courtship alive in their marriage! Then a hush will fall over the crowd and everyone will kneel in their presence....At least I think that was the story, the details are a little fuzzy.
5 comments:
Well said, my friend. I would suggest that once we pass the milestone of marriage, our focus rightfully shifts to the "weightier" matters--we no longer feel the need to impress and appease; rather, we feel the need to provide and protect.
Women who demand the same level of attention they received during courtship--especially where children have been thrown into the stew of family living--are being unfair and selfish.
I am not saying that we should neglect our wives-- quite the contrary. What I am suggesting is that we show our love for them in different ways than before marriage--by going to work every day, even on the days we don't feel like going; by buying houses in nice neighborhoods so that she and the kids will feel safe; by providing the raw materials that make homes out of houses.
Anything on top of that tall order is icing on the cake, and should be seen as such. This "icing" is more privilege than right, and should be appreciated, rather than expected.
(For all the man-haters who want to kill me right now: Men have PLENTY of misguided expectations about marriage too, but I will save that commentary for another posting, if anyone cares.)
My two cents are in.
Lance, you speak such eloquent words of wisdom and truth. I think you should seriously reconsider your profession and try writing instead.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist (almost). I feel I am being taunted to make a comment on this matter. In a way, it's really quite flattering for couples to reveal their 'true' selves to each other - that is, outside of the usual etiquette of courtship. How is it flattering to my spouse to not use etiquette? My reasoning is this: We are all familiar with the etiquette and games of courtship so I won't elaborate on them. The flattering part is that your spouse is giving themselves so completely to you that they no longer feel it necessary to hide themselves (their embarassment's, their insecurities, laying aside dating games, etc) from you through the use of etiquette. Reciprocally, we give ourselves to our spouses so completely that we also lay aside these etiquettes. It's true we still need to be polite but this is not the dating etiquette that I speak of. That's being a good human.
In a troubled marriage people look at the lack of such dating etiquettes as 'wrinkles' instead of as the result of a self-disclosing spouse giving them one more reason to love their spouse for who they really are.
I think you should write a strongly worded letter to that guy you heard on KSL and tell him to go back to BYU and try to actually learn something this time :-)
Ok so I have to comment. First of all I was surprised and impressed to read that this post came from you Lance and not Katie. I dont know who your friend Brad is but ummmm.....I disagree. Women in general are not asking for the same courtship that they received before marriage but merely looked at with the same eyes when you first fell in love. It doesnt take much to accomplish that. Its always the simple things that are forgotten that keep the marriage alive. Ok I said my peace. And Lance you are a great husband and I love your wife to bits. Ohh and also you are a great writer. The things we have to find out about our neighbors from their blogs. :)
So I don't know if you are supposed to comment on your own blog...but I guess it's mine so here goes.
Katie read what I wrote and said she didn't really understand what I was trying to say. It looks like Terri did get what I was trying to say. I hear what you are saying Aaron and I agree with Brad in that there should not be "expectations" from a wife for more than a comfortable house in a good neighborhood and showing respect to your life (what's the definition of a run-on sentence by the way?).
That brings me to an unrelated topic but one I feel strongly about (even though it drives Katie crazy). I feel very strongly that there should not be expectations above those things Brad has mentioned. If that is all your husband is able to give you, you are luckier than a large percentage of women out there. I feel like a lot of harm is done by "expecting" the above and beyond things from your spouse. We should only be thankful when they do occur but not disappointed when they do not.
Anyway that was a tangent. So anyway my basic point for the Katie's in the world who didn't quite get it was that I would love to have a marriage where you are still courting each other, not in the idea that you are trying to impress them but that you are constantly thinking of ways to make them smile, laugh, feel good, and feel loved. The way we all were when we were courting. That you are thinking of creative date ideas (or even going on dates for some of us), that you are texting or emailing or writing nice things to them. Not because you aren't comfortable with them or because you are trying to impress them but because you want to brighten their day or make them feel a little better about life or themselves.
Anyway this is much too long. Suffice to say I admire those who do this better than I.
I think this blogging thing is kind of funny. Like Terri said, you never know what your neighbors are thinking. At least it is better than seeing them walking through their house in their underwear.
random blog viewing
I agree with Terri all we want is to be looked at with the same love. If just for a moment you can give us those butterflies we had while dating then your good for the week/month.
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